S08E02 Tue Si

Niall Mackay00:17

Welcome to season eight of Vietnam podcast sharing the stories of people connected to Vietnam My name is Niall Mackay and I've been living in Vietnam since 2016 and hosting this podcast since 2019 I wanted to know more about the people that lived in Vietnam both locals and foreigners and share their story My guest today is French Vietnamese a host of creators in Vietnam podcast and coach sauteing for young professionals will share today why they left France They come to Vietnam via Canada What is a coach Salton exactly more about the creators in Vietnam podcast And talk more about his Johnny battling a drug addiction My guest today is two assay knowing thank you for joining me

Tue Si01:09

thanks for thanks for having me Neil Thank you

This is so fun

Niall Mackay01:16

Well thank you very much I mean while it's great to have you on too I recently featured on your podcast creators in Vietnam which was similar to mine We started as a Saigon podcast You guys started as creators in Saigon and then Brian as well creators in Vietnam which made total sense So tell us a little bit about creators in Vietnam podcasts how it started maybe some of our listeners may already know a little bit but tell us more about that

Tue Si01:41

so the purpose of creators in Vietnam right now is to interview people that are creating a positive impact in their community or their own lives So that's we're we're using the word creators as creating that positive impact And so we we're not looking at only content creators but people that are you know creating businesses with them with meanings with impact behind it creating any type of like you know charity volunteers or anything like this right now we're all now Unofficially third season of the the podcast I think it changes with every hosts So originally the podcast was actually created by Dana Dana drones So shout out to drain to Dana as creators in Saigon And then I joined in 2000 at the end of 2020 with the another host called Nicola So shout out to Nicola too And so the three of us you know did a whole season of that and it was quite fun at that time I wanted to I wanted to do a podcast because I really liked my voice and I wanted to share I want to create content and I w I was a little bit too afraid of video cause it like it really triggered me and I would start her and I would get so self-conscious So when Dana presented the occasion of like taking back creators in Saigon and and creating just voice call then I was like yeah cool Like you know my voice puts my girlfriend to sleep so I can put people to sleep with this soothing voice And unfortunately Dana had to go back to the states and and I couldn't let the podcast die So I was like how about I take it back And then we we went and looked for another hosts and that's where Moni cumbia came in And that's when we started the third season of it And that's I think it was

Niall Mackay03:19

I think you

Tue Si03:20

After con Connor you were our second episode for that season So it was it was quite enjoyable to to interview you And there is not that many podcasts in Saigon and getting 'em to to start with in a in English So it's good to to you know to form this type of community where like you know all of us know each other and we can help each other So that's great That's great

Niall Mackay03:39

Yeah absolutely I mean I've had someone asked me before like oh is it like are you guys competitive And I was like no not at all Like the more people that listen to podcasts the better like I don't I'm not trying to like take away this It's not that big a medium in the first place It's not like you're trying to take away listeners from each other You're all trying to to build yourself up And I remember when we started back in 2019 me and Dana was starting at almost the exact same time And I think at that time there was really only the sagging your podcast which is still growing not much more but then at the time there was a whole like you know a boast of all these podcasts started around 2019 Some of them are faded away but it's so exciting to see the medium as you mentioned kind of the English language is quite small but if you look at the podcast charts there or podcasts in Vietnamese is

Tue Si04:29

Yeah Yeah Yeah And we we we've interviewed the Euro community Kelly issues She's doing an amazing job I mean I'm loving this and and again like yeah we're definitely not competing in And if anything you're you're the beacon for me where I'm like oh wow Like you know Neil is is creating all of this He has Patrion and he's he's like he has merged And I was like yes Neil show me the way

Niall Mackay04:49

the way

Tue Si04:50

I'll just follow behind

Niall Mackay04:52

I mean and it's just I mean I'm just doing the same as well with other people You just see what other people do and it's the same thing Right But it but it is cool I mean and you do see things like that You see people here Oh yeah They've done that as well I'm like that's cool That's the same as me That's cool But we're all Yeah We're all trying to help each other now to go back a step though this is you The only person I ever had see the light the sound of their own voice

Tue Si05:17

I I've I've learned I've learned to like my the sound of my voice I at the beginning at no very honestly I say that as a joke Cause it's like it's like a pick me up a little bit but the first episode when I recorded it I couldn't listen to my voice I was like oh what is this This horrible Like a lot of people say I'd have a Filipino accent Cause like with with me like I was I grew up in France and I lost the French accent Some that oh it's still there but it's this dirty kind of Filipino accent now And it's like and then with my face people are like yeah you're definitely Filipino And so and I

Niall Mackay05:50

thought that

Tue Si05:52

yeah yeah The one when you hear

Niall Mackay05:54

hear Yeah Now I'm like oh yeah Well and I met with a you know I think a mutual friend of Bill's you know Annie Wright who's friends with Moni who's also and he's also from Hungary Hungarian Vietnamese And I met with her just this week And I said to her I was like I'd never you sound Filipino now which before the first time I spoke to her I said to her right away I was like you have an accent where are you from And she's like Hungary And I was like oh my goodness same as Moni And she's like yeah I know Moni and blah blah blah But yeah Then when I spoke to him but it's so funny I remember we were in a A restaurant with my Vietnamese friend and she started speaking to the server in Vietnamese and then he was like oh I'm Filipino I don't want to speak

Tue Si06:37

That's so random

Niall Mackay06:37

it's definitely easy to do So

Tue Si06:40

Yeah I

Niall Mackay06:41

your French Vietnamese now we've talked about this before Do you consider yourself VQ Do you use that phrase What's your interpretation of the freeze of not a freeze the label VQ

Tue Si06:55

So I I I

Niall Mackay06:57

I

Tue Si06:58

I used to come to Vietnam quite often and and I was labeled VQ and I've for me the the label in itself does not bother me I do understand the the the baggage that it carries too Cause like you know like 15 years ago 20 years ago the VQ that would come to Vietnam I'm generalizing here didn't have the best of reputation or like it or they didn't have the best of experience too They were you know like there was a lot of stories So I understand like you know the the the the the legacy that it carries some people say now that like you know your Vietnamese overseas born overseas or something like this I just say a VQ fab So it makes it faster And it's it also depends on who I'm talking to because I don't want to go too deep into my own story because I even me I'm very confused I don't like I do not consider myself French a hundred percent anymore and I do not have a citizenship in a Canadian citizenship or anything like this even though I lived there for 15 years So most of my like you know adult life So it's it's kind of weird So I just say I'm VQ FAP And you know like the way I deal with this is I'm French When it fits me the best I'm Vietnamese when it serves me the best And I'm definitely Canadian when it serves me the best And I just I I use it on my own advantage at that

Niall Mackay08:14

Yeah I mean I find it so fascinating We have to obviously talk to many different people over the seasons from very similar backgrounds to yourself from different countries all over the world And to me for someone who's from a very homogenous society I'm a Scottish as far back as probably the Vikings I grew up you know knowing that I'm a hundred percent Scottish and I'm nothing else I think it's I can see the like the challenges of it and I can also see how like it must be like really cool as well to suddenly I mean that sounds like really like a lame way to put it like it's cool I don't mean to be like oh it's so cool You're from different races or nationalities or whatever but I mean so to you how is that being like you've got your foot in three different camps and we've actually interviewed and Sophie Hoffman who's French lived in moved to Quebec and is no French Canadian She's not Vietnamese but she's she's like I'm French and Canadian and French Canadian And it's like this hybrid of different mentalities and things like that

Tue Si09:14

Yeah Yeah I I my identity crisis was pretty huge in the beginning of my twenties I didn't know where to put myself in because growing up in France people you know unfortunately France is not the most welcoming place for immigrants you know very

Niall Mackay09:31

Is that true Is it really I don't really know that Is that is that really true then

Tue Si09:34

the my my generation so I'm 37 So like you know basically and then the again generalizing but let's say that I grew up so my teenagehood in Paris was I couldn't avoid any type of arguments without someone reminding me that I was Asian and that had a small penis So that was my my upbringing That was like the end of every argument is like you are in and it wasn't even being Asian It was being Chinese or you're Chinese You have a small Dick anyway Ching Ching So that was like that that that type of weird Stockholm syndrome where you live through it and like you know it's it's your normality And as soon as I left to Canada people were like oh you you you do sound French And then you have that French mentality And I was like but who am I Because I grew up in France People told me that I was Chinese and I was differently different not from France Then I go to Canada and I'm trying to own up to that Asian ness in in me And then I went to ESL school to study English and I met true Japanese Koreans Chinese and Vietnamese from the motherlands And everybody was like yeah you're definitely not Asian Like you don't like I had no I had I had a very

Niall Mackay10:42

a very a

Tue Si10:43

how to know like my sense of personal space was very French So I would come and hug people I would come and like give them kisses to say hello And in Asia you don't do this in Vietnam You don't come and hug people and be like hello and then kiss them So there was like

Niall Mackay10:57

I remember I remember a hug the girl one time like a friend of a friend I got introduced and I was like Hey how are you doing Give her a big hug And I could feel it like freeze And like I had to ask my friend the next day I was like I didn't mean to like you know offend your friend where she okay When I and she's like no no she understood But like yeah I was like I could feel her reaction you know And it so I understand what you mean It's a very different culture here but sorry to interrupt Continue on what you're

Tue Si11:22

Yeah the way you know it it's really easy to get into an identity crisis especially if you're from an immigrant background because especially from an Asian descent because none of the none of the groups were accepting or understanding of you know the Asian like Vietnamese or Chinese or Koreans don't understand immigration because there there is no immigration in Asia whatsoever And so the word VQ at that time was more connotated as a trader of the motherland you

Niall Mackay11:51

Wow

Tue Si11:52

it was that notation I think and then and so

Niall Mackay11:55

and so

Tue Si11:56

If you let people define you it becomes a problem especially for your identity So in my twenties I was like I'm nothing I'm like I'm not from no country I'm not Canadian I'm not French I'm not but I would pretend to be as French as I could be because people would see me like that So suddenly I knew everything about wine I knew everything about bread When I grew up in a very Asian environment where it was more about look mum But as soon as I hit Canada I was like it was like oh you're the French guy And I was like yes I am the French guy So let me tell you which wine to drink which cheese I would not know anything about it So I pretended a lot And then I realized that the best way to deal with this is just to accept that it's it's a positive just for me you know like I'm I I'm gifted with different cultures and nobody is going to be accepting it and know a lot of people are not going to accept it but

Niall Mackay12:51

it but

Tue Si12:51

I don't know if we can swear on the podcast but F them

Niall Mackay12:54

yeah

Tue Si12:56

But it took me a

Niall Mackay12:57

imagine you with like a I imagine you would like a glass of wine and smelling it and be like he had no this this is a beautiful red wine and that your friend's like that's a white wine to assay

Tue Si13:09

that's vinegar That's balsamic vinegar to AC

Niall Mackay13:14

like we give you that for your bread So you were your parents immigrants from Vietnam directly or like what's the background with that

Tue Si13:25

Yeah Yeah Yeah So my so I come from so my parents were not typical they didn't come from the the the afterward generation So they were already on the move or international students let's say before the war happened so my my my father when he got to France he was a Buddhist monk that did his in this studies in in India New Zealand and my mom she passed when I was six years old but she had a pretty she had a pretty wildlife a pretty pretty pretty crazy life actually And and I just discovered this two weeks ago So this is an explicit for your podcast but my grandmother got her biography

Niall Mackay13:59

got the biography

Tue Si14:00

Here in Vietnam And the book is was released in 2015 or something like that It was wildly popular in Vietnam You can buy it in the library So it's it tells all of her life how she met my grandfather which was the first pharmacist in Paris the first Vietnamese pharmacist in Paris So hive family but all kind of fucked up stories and how like you know my mom got abandoned by both of them And like she had like mental health problems and and and the book is wild Like my girlfriend read it cause I can't read Vietnamese And she was telling me part of it and it just triggered so many of my my you know when I was six seven years old and and all this this toxic environment And then it made me realize that for the past couple of weeks it's also connected to why I got into drug addiction And we'll talk about this later but there was like this level of like

Niall Mackay14:49

of like

Tue Si14:50

Of wildness in my FA my family history at least on my mom's side there is like I mean there is a book that talks about it If you want to know

Niall Mackay14:58

yeah That's that's crazy that you took the book was about your grandmother

Tue Si15:03

Yeah Yeah Yeah So our whole life and it's two books and Tom two is mostly about my mom's life up until like you know from the day she was born up until like when fortunately my mom took her life but it was it all of this is written in in the accounting of my grandmother And so that's this is the weird type of ego boost you know like in the in in some of the movies where the hero find out there is a legend about him and like he's the is the weird thing Mine is this book where like my grandma told me how fucked up it is actually And now like it's so well it's so well

Niall Mackay15:37

That is absolutely wild So what why was there a book written about your grandmother

Tue Si15:44

Well I guess I guess like like many many grandparents like there's stories or fascinating and I think she had the right connections and she had the rights We we I I feel like and I it's something that I've I've separated myself from the my family my my family for me is only my father and my brother and my sister already And so I didn't know anything about my family but like you know when I grew up I would hear the stories and I feel like every VQ family have that like you know we're from a very important family We're very fluent before the war and things like this And I was like yeah everybody says that whatever like you know it's the it's the immigrant tale And then and then and then two weeks ago I'm like oh there is an actual fucking book about it

Niall Mackay16:24

about it

Tue Si16:26

Okay I you know well apparently there was we were well-connected Yeah

Niall Mackay16:32

that's such a trip Like I cannot believe you've just found this out two weeks ago that it came out in 2015 Did you I and then having your girlfriend read it to you Was that like were you was that within trepidation Were you worried Were you scared I'd be terrified to hear what I'm about to read

Tue Si16:49

Yeah I was

Niall Mackay16:50

I was

Tue Si16:51

in a sense And then it's I feel like it's the the I believe in the in those things So I feel like the universe is just putting this right now at the right time Cause I'm ready to deal with it but the my half I have a half-brother here He was part of creating that book with my grandmother because he was still in touch with we have the same mother we had the same mother and and he told me about that book but I was like ah this is a part of my family that I don't know And I don't want to know about it I was like yeah but you know our mother is in the book in a in a few but he doesn't read Vietnamese either He's French And so he never read the book and he just told me yeah there is a few there's a chapter about our mom And I was like oh okay whatever I don't care about grandma And I don't care about that book really And I was I was still dealing with my thing And when my girlfriend started reading it Oh this this sounds interesting Maybe she'll get a glimpse of why I am like this And like you know and it's it's good to see the for her to read about the the old Vietnamese culture and like you know about relationship money and everything Cause she was a very typical Vietnamese lady of that time but I didn't know that all of the second book was about my mom and and and in when deep and it's it's and it made me think so much about the truth Especially when someone dies in a family my grandmother wasn't here and the way she described my father and it showed the way she described the life that my mother had was like it's a book So it's it's fictionalize And my dad is really depicted as the worst person on our

Niall Mackay18:19

person

Tue Si18:22

end It was like okay So I have to sit down with my girl and I'll be like okay there is there is different truth There is my grandma's grandma's truth There is my My father's truth then there is the real result And the real truth that you can look at is the by-product of all of this is the grandkids So me my sister and my brother and how how living and how good our mental health is and how much love do we still like you know share with our family And this is the real I feel like the real truth the only truth that you can look at at least then I was like and if you look where there is some damage that has been done so whichever truth you want to choose for me it's like choose the one that will make me

Niall Mackay19:04

it

Tue Si19:05

feel better at the end So it's it's I mean it's it's still a work in progress I'm I'll tell you in a month how I feel

Niall Mackay19:12

Oh I'm sure Sure I mean and obviously I'm no psychologist so I I'm I'm one of these people that don't like to give like false platitudes or false advice or be like oh you know it's going to be okay I have no idea how to react to what you've just told me I have no idea what to say to you and I'm not going to pretend that I do that Just that's pretty like heavy really Like I'm just again like that's gonna be a I'm just trying to think like what if I'd found this book about my grandparents and found out all this information and and blah blah blah let's go forward then from that and then say so you left to go to Canada and 19 And what made you do that then

Tue Si19:53

so I'll tell you the

Niall Mackay19:54

you

Tue Si19:56

I'll tell you the the the the the the story with hindsight Cause like at that time I didn't I did not know why I was doing what I was doing I was just running away from life trying to survive but so Yeah

Niall Mackay20:08

Yeah

Tue Si20:09

it was just pretending like I was like pretending to be friends pretending to live pretending to have some type of personality But so after my mom passed basically you know when when when a mother pass I suffered from a huge fear of abandonment a huge fear of not being enough obviously because like you know your mom is not here and why wouldn't she love you enough to stay for you So that was the the patterns that I was having in my head Then again that's hindsight now I discovered it through my recovery that all these patterns of thinking And then my dad was

Niall Mackay20:39

dad was

Tue Si20:41

My dad is and was pretty toxic too He was very controlling as any Asian father but like he had a very very gas lady very very controlling very toxic at the end of the day where I would I would never equate to anything Yeah Would always be you know below him No none of his kids like the the his most famous sentence was like none of his kid is ever going to be like him Why none of his kids are going to be as good as him You'll never do anything anyway you'll be literally he would say quite often every time he would be upset he would be he would go anyway you're going to be a drug addict and you're going to have aids and you're going to die

Niall Mackay21:14

to die

Tue Si21:15

And I'm like I'm one of the aids away to make his wish come true I just need to get aids and that you wish come true

Niall Mackay21:25

Oh my goodness

Tue Si21:27

But so that was the

Niall Mackay21:27

you know why I don't I mean I I don't understand human beings like at all like at all so many things you hear about human beings and I'm like I don't understand why you would act like that I'll do like that And there's just a you know an infinite amount of examples And so that's just another one I'm just like I'm very blessed in my life I've not had anything like that My family I was going to say for all the faults they really don't have really any folks They're amazing And so I'm very very lucky in that sense And so when I hear about this kind of behavior from anyone or anything and I'm like why would you why would you do that So do you have any idea of any sense from the book or from your own experience why they would act like that

Tue Si22:10

It's again with hindsight I'm like it's I think because you know my dad was was quite the typical Vietnamese educated person but that's but it's it's still the same year in the Vietnamese culture but there is nothing given to you for mental health tools There is nothing given to you as like you know here in Vietnam when you have a mental health problem you're crazy different Like that's how they label you And so

Niall Mackay22:34

so

Tue Si22:35

I feel like you know with I tried to be compassionate and I'm like okay if I was an immigrant father that came with nothing and I have three kids and suddenly my my wife passes you know the love of my life and I have to deal with those three kids Like so I would just like when you're when you're hostage you start like you know you have that so-called syndrome and you start like you're justifying the action the toxic actions of someone And obviously it's my dad And it's like the only person that can love me at this point So I'm like justifying everything he's doing for me that's normal except like you know the the repercussion on my body is like I was just like a frustrated little kid trying to live and you know like and Teenage come in and you know hormones shoots in and I want to have girlfriends and things like this And I can't do any of those very basic instinct at the end of the day but I just want it to live And so at 19 I went I went to my dad and I was like fuck died Like I can't live here anymore I didn't I didn't give you any type of like teenage tantrum but I have to get out sick You know my sister was going wild and I was just I just at that time I felt like running away would solve all my problems And I've done this a couple of times in my life where I was like I'm just going to change country And I think like my my fucking bag of shit is not going to follow me

Niall Mackay23:47

going to follow me

Tue Si23:48

with So at that time I was like yeah dad I want to go to a Chinese to a Buddhist temple send me to a Shaolin temple at that And I want to I would have practiced like Kung Fu and I go to China and cause

Niall Mackay23:59

because I

Tue Si24:00

I was so stupid at that time I thought that was the only option that my dad would agree to That I go in and become a monk like him very very very first degree thing And he was like yeah no that's not going to happen But what about you go to Canada to study English because you're going to need English to succeed in life You know very Vietnamese typical like mentality And I was like whatever you want man as long as I'm not in this house I'm like you know and so

Niall Mackay24:23

So

Tue Si24:24

I went to study English in 2004 and then I was like that's it The he gave me the occasion to stay in Canada And and I was like I'm staying no matter what because there was the first time that I was out of dining environment and I and I started living at 19 really And and I didn't So I there was a almost of my twenties I pretended to

Niall Mackay24:45

pretended

Tue Si24:46

So most of my time in Canada I was like I pretended I was just surviving I was I didn't know how to live And I didn't I didn't have any tools to to understand my emotions or to deal with my emotions And so like I remember I rushed through I rushed into a relationship that lasted from 19 to 24 years old And I was looking at it in hindsight I was probably the most toxic fucking guy that this girl ever met in her in her life And I'm so sorry for her again in hindsight because I was just this weird copy of my father but at the same time this little abandoned kid that was like why do you love me Are you sure you love me No you can leave me and the fucking toxic Yeah So

Niall Mackay25:29

you felt like you you'd brought you kind of like you're mimicking your father at that point

Tue Si25:35

I feel I without knowing it And again because and I it's so weird how like especially when you're in a sensitive position you you copy what you've seen And for me when I started to be in relationships when things didn't go my way I would copy the only person that I've seen in relationship which was my father And even though the intention was to never become my father in relationships in the worst moments of my relationships I became a copy of him Super toxic super super yes super toxic And again

Niall Mackay26:10

do you can with with hindsight can you know think about how you then moved on from that

Tue Si26:16

Yeah so the the hindsight didn't come until the drug addiction So I'm going to fast forward Like most of my twenties if I made most of my twenties I pretended to live and I ran away to Australia I was thinking that I would I would find an answer to what was happening inside Never picked up a book about mental health never picked up a book about self-help or anything like this I pretended a lot to know about everything It was just insecure full of insecurity And then I got engaged I got engaged in 2016 to this girl and And nothing made sense even like I couldn't even think of like getting married I couldn't and people ask me but why why are you getting married And I was like because it makes sense but I couldn't make sense out of it in my head I was so like conflicted And I think at that time too I was starting to have a very good position on my work I was used to working at a tour company in Toronto and then I had this fiance that fit all those social criteria but I was so lost inside And then my dad and my brother got into a huge argument in Paris And and I had to go back to kind of like mediate the whole thing And in at that time I

Niall Mackay27:24

time I

Tue Si27:26

Long story short someone offered me crystal meth at a party And I was like fuck this Like you know I'm going to be that drug addict that that my father wanted to be And you know I part of my my personal story is I have a I had a wild sexuality and crystal meth was really helping with that at that time And so when I got offered crystal meth again back in Canada that's when I did it I think it was in April, 2017 and and I was hooked and it it was a it was just it was just bad It was that's the only thing that I can say at this point it was just bad where like the the drug in itself which you know I I must say that don't do drugs anybody but the drug in itself allowed me to to express my true

Niall Mackay28:13

my actions

Tue Si28:14

And because it gives you it gives you no fear Like it removes the fear It's a little bit like cocaine and then I could be as I could be as myself as I want it to be But then the problem is I could be as bad as I want it to be an then there was this whole side of twisty that was hidden for so many years Cause I I was I was living through my insecurities and my fears So when the when the crystal meth came in there was this whole side of me that just went like I exist and I'm just doing the worst motherfucker in the world And like you know all the dirty side of me and all the goods So all the good and the bad came out And I think most of the bad came out first but yeah

Niall Mackay28:52

the what you you'd mentioned this to me before is so you were a high functioning drug addict right

Tue Si28:59

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Niall Mackay29:01

And so that's the kind of common misconception on the media Anyway I guess All the kind of movie portrayal of a drug addict is is someone who's living under a bridge or is in this abandoned house And you know and we and obviously at the far end of drug addiction that can happen like that does it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen And so you hear the words crystal meth and that you think of someone with no teeth and and blah blah blah And I obviously I can see you right now a very handsome man have all your own own teeth I think I don't know what your own

Tue Si29:31

no they're all fake

Niall Mackay29:32

teeth They don't fit

Tue Si29:35

dealer dealer deal Yeah

Niall Mackay29:37

explain that I guess a little bit about that for anyone that's listening So what does that mean Even when you first mentioned it to me when we talked before and you were like oh yeah I was addicted to crystal meth and I was like wait what Because it just didn't really complete

Tue Si29:50

Yeah

Niall Mackay29:51

I guess what we hear in C and then society or in the media whatnot What does that mean And how are you able to be a functioning crystal meth user Because I've never tried it to full disclosure So I have no idea what it feels like My other question is what would you can follow up on is it must be bloody good though That's always think of it that if you're a heroin addict or you're a crystal meth addict like it has to be good Otherwise you wouldn't do it that much but I don't know Maybe explain to me maybe it's only good the first time And then after that you'll just try to recreate that high I don't know So you can you can talk about any of those subjects that I've just thrown at you

Tue Si30:25

Yeah I first things cause I I've I've I've very seldomly talked about the this this whole period or I I'm I'm more in control of the narrative when I when I do so but first when I say I'm a high functioning addict it's me saying that truth but you should talk to my coworkers and see if they sell If they saw that now the way at that time

Niall Mackay30:50

there there'll be listening to this and he'll be like he was not high functioning at all

Tue Si30:54

No my one of the comparison cause I so I came out I came out to my staff in 2018 After one year of doing it I sat down with most of them the owner of the company And I told him yeah I've been doing crystal meth for one year every day

Niall Mackay31:07

every day

Tue Si31:07

actually at the beginning the really stupid joke that I was trying to make is I can't guy So I have I have this I have to tell you this like I've been doing this this thing for the past year it's this white crystal And you know as soon as you take it like you're hooked and like you know it's it gives you really high highs and really low lows And 60% of north America is addicted to it And Like you know

Niall Mackay31:29

like you know

Tue Si31:30

and it's sugar And then people were like what are you talking about Swayze I thought you were talking about crystal meth And I was like no but I was trying to compare it So like you it doesn't sound as bad like you know and I was really dedicated to that joke

Niall Mackay31:42

to that joke

Tue Si31:44

And I was like but do you see like sugar is is the big evil here and people didn't get it

Niall Mackay31:48

get

Tue Si31:50

And I was like fuck it Like but so I said I saw I told everybody and I remember one of my one of my coworker and very good friends still my friend He was like I knew something was up man Cause I saw you like you know a few months back And the best way I could describe you was you watch stranger things

Niall Mackay32:08

stranger thing The first two seasons And

Tue Si32:12

so you only need to watch the first season but do you remember We don't our writer when she's crunching on the walls trying to find her kid

Niall Mackay32:18

kid

Tue Si32:19

and she's all like jittery and just like he's So I would describe myself as a high functioning addict He would describe me as this and I feel like the truth is more to his side

Niall Mackay32:34

but you were still able to keep your job for a year doing it every day and two again so to me like I just don't understand that kind of concept of like I mean for me I wouldn't like I couldn't even have more than like a beer or do and I just couldn't really function on any type of of alcohol or anything So it's it's a new you're not the only person I've helped us in in media or whatever Don't really know many people but you know people talk about being able to work with drug addictions And I'm just like how do you do that

Tue Si33:06

It's I don't think I don't think you planned for it I think it's more survival kicking in and like me not having any at that time obviously the drug addict has no discipline I had no discipline of life I'm not like I'm not the guy that I am today with like my routines and all those things And for me